Connecting in COVID
Cheryl Price, RTC, BA (Hons) Counselling, Dip Trauma Therapy, DKATI (thesis pending)
Kaslo, BC, Canada
For those who have experienced trauma, disconnection is familiar. Disconnection from Self. From others. From life. A survival strategy.
Art therapy opens the path to reconnect. A safe path. An empowering path. A path of hope and enlightenment. A path which is so needed in these difficult times, when addressing unresolved relational trauma is even more challenging. Connection is now perceived as a risk. Disconnection has become prevalent.
Below is an extract from my journal back in March. Written as part of my own processing and completion of my therapeutic process as an art therapy student in the final stages of my training.
I am simultaneously holding grief and gratitude as I reflect on the past six months:
Grief for the collective trauma happening on the planet.
Gratitude to be able to hold space for that grief to be processed through connecting with a creative process.
30th March 2020: Living with OCD
This coronavirus. It’s triggering so many memories of my 8 years with OCD. The world is being advised to do the things that I did when there was no threat of catching a virus. Just threat of damage to my precious babies. I was compelled to protect them. An outing in the car was complex. Spraying the steering wheel with bleach before touching it. Cleaning the car keys. Putting a covering on the driver’s seat. Cleaning the seatbelt if I was travelling some distance. If short distance I didn’t put the belt on so my clothes didn’t get contaminated from the germs on the seatbelt. I would rather risk death by car accident than death by germs. This ‘irrational fear’ felt very rational in the moment.
“Fear, panic and a deep sense of shame hidden by outer control. OCD allowed me to keep traumatic memories deeply buried.
Now here I am. Many years later. Expected to do the things I used to do. Things I was told were irrational. I find myself remembering things as I follow the expectations.”
When I got home the kids were bathed & dressed in clean clothes. Even if they hadn’t been anywhere other than in the car this ritual took place. Carseats were dirty. If anyone touched my children, I would wash that part of their body as soon as I could without being seen. I bleached my hands and sprayed my body with anti-bacterial spray. I carried my baby in a forward-facing baby carrier close to my chest. His head was covered & his hands enclosed. No-one could touch him. My Mum once put her handbag in the empty pushchair. I felt sick inside. As soon as I got home, I scrubbed the pushchair clean. I clenched my hands into fists when I hugged my husband. Because the back of his shirt had been leaning against the seat in the car….and the seat in the train….and the seat in his office. Contamination. Keep away from the germs. They will destroy you. I could not sit next to my husband on the sofa. I had my sofa. He had his. His was contaminated. He sat on it with “outside” clothes….it was riddled with germs. I hated it if the boys went to sit with him. I wanted to keep them safe on my clean sofa. Protect them from the killer germs. The boys couldn’t have friends to play. Too many germs. If my niece or nephews visited I would bleach every toy after they left. Contamination. If someone put a bag down on the floor inside the house, I would clean the floor after they left. Shoes were not allowed in the house. Socks were risky too. Constant floor-washing. If anyone washed up, I put the clean dishes in the dishwasher after they left. Only the dishwasher could kill the germs. Germs were out to get us. It was a war. I had to protect my babies. Going on holiday was complicated. No-one could touch anything until I had de-contaminated the space. Cleaned each light switch. Each door-handle. Each plate. Each drawer. Endless cleaning. Germs were hiding. Ready to attack. My stomach turned when I touched money. I remember food shopping & being suddenly gripped by the realisation that each item of shopping was contaminated. This was the reality of my life for 8 years. I had never heard of OCD back then. I just thought it was evidence of insanity. But now I get it. Fear, panic and a deep sense of shame hidden by outer control. OCD allowed me to keep traumatic memories deeply buried.
Now here I am. Many years later. Expected to do the things I used to do. Things I was told were irrational. I find myself remembering things as I follow the expectations. Remembrance through rituals. Behaviour triggering memories. Flashbacks. It’s hard. Propelled into the world of fear that OCD had protected me from. I remind myself that I cannot protect my children from everything.
“I am using my personal experience to emphasize the importance of holding an awareness of the wider context of client issues in terms of external present circumstances, which may have a significant impact on the trauma held within the body. ”
I have learned that I am a good enough mother.
I have learned that I don’t need to split in order to survive.
I have learned to be congruent
I have learned that I can tolerate big feelings
They will not swallow me
I will feel them.
Then they will pass
And I will grow a little more
Heal a little more
I am becoming
And art is my friend
I am passionate about the power of art therapy. I have learned from the inside out the transformation which can take place.
For most of my life I believed that withdrawing from my body was the only option. Withdrawing from my Self. From others. It felt safer. I would survive this way. But I now know that connection is crucial in helping a survivor dismantle and rewrite trauma memories.
I am using my personal experience to emphasize the importance of holding an awareness of the wider context of client issues in terms of external present circumstances, which may have a significant impact on the trauma held within the body. It’s important that physical distancing does not lead to isolation and disconnection. That safety and compassion are prioritized. Because they are an antidote to the shame, which is at the root of symptoms such as OCD. The wider context is so relevant when dealing with embedded trauma. Clients may need help to remain connected. Because it is one thing to work through historic trauma, but to do this in the midst of current ongoing collective trauma provides new challenges.
“I believe it’s really important to acknowledge the possible implications of online therapy. ”
I believe it’s really important to acknowledge the possible implications of online therapy. Cameras may be a trigger for a trauma survivor. So, she may need to be reassured that she can turn the camera off if need be. Collaboration and empowerment are crucial to maintaining connection. It’s important to ask questions to try to help her feel more comfortable. Like how close she wants you to be as the therapist. Reassure her of privacy and confidentiality. Remind her that it is physical distance, not social distance, so that a sense of connection is maintained. Being aware of potential triggers is of utmost importance when offering online therapy. Encouraging deep breaths is not always helpful for a trauma survivor. It may induce hypo-arousal. Each client needs to be known and treated as a unique individual. I found in my personal journey that art helped ground me, but deep breathing was often scary. Somatic awareness is so important. I learnt that putting my hand on my heart was so helpful. It reassured me that I was still present. And it allowed me to simultaneously soothe the anxious parts within while carrying through my intention within my process. I recently heard a therapist talk about the importance of differentiating between boundaries and disconnection, and I feel this is so important to our therapeutic practice, particularly in relation to presence. Masks are interpretive. They can be seen as a barrier or a protection. Online sessions are the same. It may be important to name these things with our clients. To address the fear or shame-based responses which may become activated by certain conditions or circumstances.
I am convinced that creative connection is the key to coping in the COVID crisis.